Hunger Games Logic 2
by CheesebunsTheWriter
Summary: The second installment in The Hunger Games Logic, follow Katniss and peers on a retarded journy on bringin' down the Its really just a parody a Catching PLEASE READ, REVIEW! Its really a hilarious series! And YES, ITS EXTREMELY RETARDED! Me Hunger Games retarded parody
1. Humpty is a gangstah

"I AM SCARFACE, MUDAFUCKAS!" Humpty screamed as a group of peacekeepers surround him. "Sir, please, just tell us what you want." Bob the Peacekeeper says. "I wanna know what your planning for the Quarter Quell this year, Bob." Humpty says, reloading his rifle. "Im afraid we can tell you that, Humpty." Bob says. "THEN SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" Humpty screams, pointing his rifle at Bob and friends. They hold up their hands in surrender. "Instead of doing a fight-to-the-death between kids, we instead decided to do a WipeOut version." Bob sqeaks. Humpty smiles. "WipeOut the old Show from the dark days? AWESOME! Oh, you gotta let me be in it, fellas!" Humpty says coaxingly. "Cant do that, Kid." Bob gulped. Humpty cocks his head like the dog-dude he was. "Ive got something for yo, then." He raised his rifle at him threatingly. "FINE GOSH YOUR SO INTIMIDATING! We'll let you be in it...on one condition..."Bob says. Humpty makes a confused dog noise. "Give us your grape soda." Bob said. Humpty shrugs and hands them a crate of the soda. "You're lucky I like Orange soda. Nice doing business with ya, fellas." Humpty says, and slips into the shadows.

"Did we just get bam-boozled by a 17 year old gangster?" Phil the Peacekeeper asked Bob.

"Indeed we did, Phil, indeed we did." Bob answers.

**Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the one and only**

**CATCHING FIRE: THE OFFICIAL SEQUEL**

* * *

****I stare at the rising sun drowsily. _Victor Tour will start soon, Katniss_, I tell myself. _Get the fuck up. _I rise and stretch. I was in the woods, the only place where I could read the Twilight Saga without getting killed. I was supposed to be out hunting, but I just collapsed by a oak tree and I have been here ever since. I sigh, pace for a few mintues, and make my way back to the crib. I few seconds later I hear Humpty stumbling behind me. "Where've you been?" I ask without looking at him. "Oh...handling business." Humpty says. I know what he's been doing. He's been doing it ever since he got changed into a human. Smuggling soda and other things that people use to eat from this unknown place undergrown. He's a real trouble-maker. He's to blame as any of us. That berry stunt me and Peeta pulled in the games. Have you noticed I'm very calm? I tried some stuff Humpty calls "Aleve". He says it will make my headaches go away. It makes you very drowsy and calm.

Me and Humpty have stumbled into the Victors village. People are waving and staring at us. I slither into Haymitch's house. I trip over some beer cans and land on a wet couch. I get up and see Haymitch snoring, laying on top of his coffee table. "Haybitch" I whisper. He doesnt move. I go over and get a bucket of cold water and pour it on his face. "WHAT THE FUCK?!" He shouts rolling off the table.

"You told me to wake you a hour before the tour."

"YOU COULDVE JUST SHOOK ME! YOU DIDNT HAVE TO BE A BITCH WITH IT!" He screams at me.

"If you want that soft shit, you shouldve asked Peeta." I snap at him.

"Ask me wut?" Peeta says, floating into the room on a broom. Hehehe, that ryhmes. "Peeta, my man! Just the faggot I wanted to see! Mine giving me a tummy rub?" Humpty ask, pulling up his shirt to uncover a perfect stomach. "Eugh. Your not a doggy anymore, pal. But I will frost your stomach." Peeta says, rubbing some peanut butter on a lolipop. "You two have some warming up to do befo the tour." Haymitch slurs, and I throw a bottle at his face. I then jump out the window and land on Gale, who is bailing work today. "Ow!" He whines. "Work bailer!" I shout at him and run into my house and trip over Buttercup. "Fucking cat." I say and put him in the freezer. "You cant kill me. I'm immortal." He hisses at me. "Oh shutup."I grumble and stomp into my room.

**You like?! Trust me, you veiwers are in for a real treat. THIS WILL BE EPIC! I have plently of ideas, and no, I will not kill Peeta. I like Humpty better as human. This series is just getting started, party people in the place to be. R&R! PLEASE REVIEW! PWEEEEZZZZ! *do you like how i added Wipeot to the story! IT. WILL. BE. HILARIOUS!***


	2. Tell Peeta Everything

"Oh, leave me alone. Portia already made me pretty, must you rip more hair off my face?" I grumble at Cinna. He flicks me off and sticks my Mockingjay pin on my dress he designed. "There, Im done. Now go downstairs and let the camermen rape you." He says.

"WHAT?!"

"Nevermind."

I walk downstairs and see a whole pack of cameramen and other random people. "KATNISS, MY DAHLIN, GIMME SOME SHUGAH!" Some random fat guy said. "You say that again and Ill shove that camera down your throat, you smoldering bag of shit." I threaten. "Humph." He says and leads me outside, where Peeta is waitng with his crew. "Hayyyy Katnissssss" Peeta says through clenched teeth. Humpty is standing by him. "Cool it, Peeta. Hey Katniss. Hello fat bastard. Let us go on the victory tour." Humpty says, flinging me and Peeta into the car. "Do you have a liscense?" I ask him as he starts the engine.

"No."

"Alright, lemme out."

He starts the car and we went flying out of District 12. "C-C-CAN YOU-OU SLOW-OW DO-WN?!" Peeta says, his eyes shut tight. "Negative, Mr. Mellark. Because Im sexy like that." Humpty says. We swerve around a group of Peacekeepers. "HAIL TO THE KING, BIOTCHES!" Humpty screams at them and we go driving of a cliff in slow motion. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGAGAHHHHHHHWA HHHHHHHLAAAAAAA!" Me and Peeta scream. We suprisingly land right in front of District 11. "I love being 17." Oh, he always reminding people that he is 17 and he is considered 'mature'. PFFFFTTTTTTT. We almost died because of his imaturity. AWESOME! We stumble out the car, and eventually we are on the stage, standing in front of all of district 11.

"Uhm, before I say anything, I must do this." Peeta says through the microphone. "VICTORY DANCEEEEE!" He woohoos and starts doing the Kat-daddy, then he did the Harlem shake, he twirled around and ended it with a little pelvic thrust."Please dont take note of that shit ball standing beside me."I say, shoving Peeta of the mike. "I would just like to say, Rue was like a sister to me..yeah I said it...fuck you Prim...and Im real sorry that she died. She didnt deserve it. CURSE YOU MARVELLLL!" I shout at the sky, because Im Katniss Everdeen. They just stare at me like Im mental, which I kinda am. Then this old hag raises his middle finger into the air at me. Then his family did it. Then all of District 11 did it. "Uhm...should I take that as an insult...?" I say, confused. Then Bob the peacekeeper punches the man in the face and drags him onto the stage. We are dragged into a building. "Stay here and dont move." Bob says. "Shutup, you old shit, or I will tell everybody what you do in your spare time." Humpty threatens.

Bob frowns and walks out the room. "What happened? Why did they hurt that poor man?!" Peeta sobbed. Humpty, who was chewing on a peice of weat, and had sunglasses on leaned in Peeta's face. "They killed the man becasue they think its the start of a rebellion against the Capitol. You two are rebels to the Capitol, you see? So like the pussies they are, they are trying to kill off any spark of a rebellion against them. Its all our fault. They will probaly kill us next. But no, your safe with me for I have a little secret that only Buttercup knows." Humpty explains. We just stare, gaping at him. Hey, wasnt I supposed to explain all that?

Peeta started crying uncontrollably. "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKSHITASSBITCHM OTHERFCKINDICKWAD!" He sobbed. Humpty took off his sunglasses, spit the weat ot his mouth. Now he looked like a normal teenager. "PEETA SHUTUP! I PROMISE ILL TELL YOU IF A OLD MAN IS ABOUT TO DIE!" I scream at Peeta. He looks at me with big blue eyes and says "You didnt tell me you had smoothies for snack." I slap him and sit back down. Haymitch stumbles in, drunk. "Heh, duh train is a' waitin for you assholes. You betteah hurry up for it leave yous. Ajdhfxfvjzrfnvxfkdzmsjzk!" Haymitch says and blacks out.


	3. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

"WEEEEEEEE!" I screamed as I hung my head out the train window. "Told you it was fun." Humpty said, his tounge lolling out. "WAZOWEE!" Peeta screamed. Unfortunaly, a passing sign hit him smack in the face. He stood there, dazed for a bit, then he just screamed again. Effie grabbed me and Peeta by the ear and threw us on the couch. "What the fuck?" I said, rubbing my ear. "Yeah, what the eff,Effie?" Peeta grumbled. "WE WILL BE MEETING THE PRESIDENT IN A HOUR AND YOUR HANGING YOU FACES OUT THE WINDOW?!" Effie screamed at us, taking her heel off. "N-no! Please! HAVE MERCY!" Peeta screeched. "No, not this time, kitties. Ive shown to much restraint. BUT NOW YOU SHALL PAY!" She hiss and sent her heel on to Peeta's stomach.

"OOF!" He cried and slid off the couch. "AHHHHHGGG!" I say, running into a nearby closet. "She'll never find me." I say confidently to myself. Then there was a creak in the back of the closet. I slowly turned around to see...TALKING TINA THE EVIL DOLL! She waddled toward me. "Talking Tina wants to use your guts as ping-pong balls." She says. "OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!" I scream, running out the closet. I hear Effie down the hall. "Im going to find you!" She said in a creepy voice.

Panting, I run into a crying Peeta. "We gotta hide." He wheezes. So I grab him by the coller and head to the main train car. BUT THE FUCKING DOOR IS LOCKED! Peeta moans in agony as I throw him on the floor. "She's coming!" I hiss at him. "Effie just wants to be your friend!" Effie said in a creepy voice. Humpty is peering at us through a hole in the wall. "Sorry guys, I would help you, but, you know, Effie scares the doggy shit out of me." he whimpers. Effie crashes into the room, panting, sweaty, and smiling evily. "YAAAAA!" She screams, with a belt in her hand. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I scream in horror. "Oh, wait, I have my bow!" I say. I take my awesome bow out and point it at Effie. "YOU FUCKING DUMB-FUCK! NO ONE CAN DEFEAT THE ALL-POWERFUL EFFIE! MWHAHAHAHAHA!" She thunders. Then Haymitch walks in. He opened the door and it sent Effie flying to the wall, unconcious. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Peeta laughed.

Now that the Effie problem was finished, and after Cinna ripped a few layers of my skin off, we had to go see President Snow on the Ceaser show. Ceaser got us settled(why is Humpty even on the show?) and the cameras started rolling. "Hello everybody, and welcome to the Ceaser show!" The audience claps and cheers. "Today we have a very special guest. Your one and only...PRESIDENT SNOWWW!" Ceaser said. President Snow came running on to the stage with a speedo on. The audience clapped and cheered, making wolf whistles and throwing money at him. "BOOOOOOOOOO!" Humpty says. Everybody stops and stares at him, like _how dare you?_ "Er...I mean...AROOOOO!" He howls. The audience continues to clap and applaud until Ceaser tells them to shut the fuck up. President Snow sits down by Peeta, still in his pink speedo. Peeta gags, tears streaming down his face. I point at him ans snicker. "_DONT BE A BITCH, MY LOVE!" _He mouthed the words. I scowl and turn my attenrion to Ceaser. "SO...How do you feel about the Hunger Games, Humpty?" Ceaser asked. "I think whoever made them up should go fuck themselves with a spear." Humpty says. Ceaser nods. Then he shoved the microphone in my face. "What about you, girl on fire? How you feelin tonight?"

"IM HOT AND ON MY PERIOD PEOPLE!" I shout and do a fist-pump. Its true. The crowd apluads and Humpty nods. "Its true, she's been a real bitch lately." Humpty says, smirking. "Oh, what is that supposed to mean?" I challenge him.

"Uhm...it means youve been actin like a bitchy bitch bitch lately." Humpty replies. The crowd went "OOOOHHHHHH BURRRNNNNN!" and Peeta immediatley came to my defense. "Hey, leaver her alone! Its not her fualt you smell people's asses everyday." Peeta says, getting in Humpty's face. Humpty scowls. "Oh _please!_ Says the guy who _SNIFFS KATNISS'S STUFF EVERDAY!" _Humpty said, rolling his neck and snapping his finger. Peeta gasped and slapped Humpty. "MUDAFUCKA DID YOU JUST TOUCH ME?!" Humpty snarls, punching him in the face.

Effie speaks up. "Oh..THIS IS MAHOGANY!" She screamed. "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BITCH!" I shout at her. She gapes at me, then says quietly. "It is on and poppin'" She lunges at me and we go at it. Peeta kicks Humpty in the shins, and Humpty twists Peeta's nipples. I beat Effie with my bow. She grabs my legs and bite them. Then out of nowhere, President Snow says "Oh..boys. No need to fight over _this._" He says, putting his index finger in his mouth and running it down his hairy thigh. Ceaser vomits on the stage. "MUTHAFUCKA NO ONE WANT YOU HAIRY ASS DICK!" Humpty shouts before Peeta drags him to the ground again. "EVERYBODY JUST SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND CONTINUE THE SHOW GOD DAMMIT!" A pregnant woman in the crowd screamed. That, I will admit it, scared the shit out of me. I obediantly sit back down, along with the rest of the crew. Ceaser gags and continues his show. "Uhm, okay, now that that's established, lets continue the show. Ah! The Quarter Quell! By the way people, all victors of the Hunger Games must participate in it. Double the tributes!" Ceaser says brightly. Wait...doesnt that mean...

"NNNNNUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" I scream and run out the building.


	4. The Drunken Chapter

"NONONONONONNO!" I sob as I sit in the corner of Haymitch's closet. In the games? Again? With Peeta? Possibly Humpty? WHHYYYYY! I sniffle and wipe my eyes. Then a hear a creak, expecting it to be Talking Tina, I lunge around and punch something squishy. "OWOWOWOOWOW!" Justin Beiber sang. I rolled my eyes. "I thought you were gone." I sniffle. Justin sat beside me. "Peeta let me hide under his bed." He answered. "Justin, what do I do? Im going back into the games." I sigh. "Girl, just do what I do when I rob a store or run over bikers or slap Selena, make a song so the people can forget." He says. I stare at him. "What?" I say. "Nothin. Look girl, lets make a pact. Since we both care about Peeta(I gag at that, though I know its true) lets make a pact that he will be the one returning home...alive." Justin says. I think about that. Peeta was definently the innocent one out of all of us. He didnt do anything wrong. I sigh. "Ok, whatever...just...dont tell him about it , Ok? He is probably expecting me to come home alive." I say.  
"Can we tell Humpty?"

"Yeah."

He nods, we do our hand shake(clap, turn around, hip bump, fist pump, harlem shake, and we scream WHOOOOHOOO!) Then leaves. I grin. "I hate your guts, but Justin...I SALUTE YOU!" I sniffle. I walk out the closet and see Haymitch getting drunk. "KATNISS YOU SELFISH ASS-CRACK! PEETA WAS BACK THERE BEGGING THEM NOT TO PUT YOU IN THE GAMES AND ALL YOU DO IS RUN OUT LIKE A PUSSY!" Haymitch croaks. It was true. I was only thinking about myself while Peeta was only thinking about me.

Fuck it.

I snatched the bottle from Haymitch's hands. "Girl, thats too powerful for you." He says. I shrug and drink some. "**AHHHHHHHGGG!" **Humpty screams, flying through the window with a jet-pack on. "Am I drunk already?" I ask Haymitch. "Naw, but in a hour you'll be wasted." He says. Humpty is buzzing around the room like a fly. "Fangirls...ARE CHASING ME! IM NOT EVEN A PART OF THE STORY!" A wave(I mean literally, a WAVE!) Of Humpty fangirls burst through all windows, screaming his name. "AHHHGGHAAAA!" Me and Haymitch scream, ducking under the table. The fangirls flood the room(Like, WATER FLOOD!) until they are to the ceiling. Then Peeta comes crawling out the fangirls. "Hey guys. The fangirls gave me a ride on their fangirl-mobile. That thing is fast! They were chasing after Humpty. Hmmmmm. Hey, can you BELIEVE the nerve of that president, putting us back in the games like that? I gave him a good wacking after the show." Peeta said crawling under the table with us. "BACK! BACK! BACK I SAY!" Says Humpty, threatening the fangirls with a stick.

"I LOVE YOU HUMPTY!"

"YOU WILL BE MINE!"

"I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABIES!"

Humpty screams. I vomit on Peeta. He lays there for a minute, confused, then he giggles and starts rolling in the vomit. "Im never gonna take a shower again!" He giggled in glee. "ALRIGHT! ENOUGH! GOO AWAY OR** DIE!**" He threatened. The girls screamed and jumped out the windows. Panting, Humpty smiles at us. "Am I that cute?" He asks. All of us nods. He grins,pops his coller, and pimp walks towards us. "Katniss are you wasted?" he asked. "Yeperdoodle." I gurgle. "OOOO WHATS THIS?" Peeta squealed, grabbing Haymitch's bottle. He drunk all of it in 5 seconds. He dropped the bottle. His eyes grew into black pools. His mouth slowly turned into a crazy smile. "Aaaaaaaa." he said.

"EVERYBODY GET OUT! HE'S ABOUT TO BLOW-OW-OW! I GOT MONEY TO BLOW..OH WAIT..." Humpty said. We all ran out the house, exept Peeta, and stared at the it. Then, all you hear is a "WOOOOHOOOOO .WASTED! OOOOHHHHH BARACUUUUDAAAA!" Peeta screeched. He ran out the house, shirtless.

"Fuck this, Im going to Six Flags. See ya tommarow for the reaping." Humpty says. "Oh wait...PEETA COME HERE!" Peeta bounced over to him. "Take yer underwear off." he says. Peeta does so. I wince and gag. Humpty grabs the underwear and sets it on fire. "Here, you can wear them now." He says, handing them back. Peeta puts them on and goes off screaming "OO BABY I LIKE IT, ITS SO INTICEIVE, NOTHIN ELSE LIKE IT IMA MAKE YOU MY BITCH, CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE, GIRL I WANNA FUCK YOU RIGHT NOW, BEEN A LONG TIME IVE BEEN MISSIN YO BODY!"

So we all go home,wondering if Peeta will ever regain his innocence. I stumble into my house, and Gale picks me up and I vomit on his head. "Well,there goes my Greaser look. C'mon Katniss, lets get you to bed." "You'll never rape me alive, Mr. Slenderman." I slur. "Alright Katniss, whatever makes you happy." Gale said, throwing me on to the bed. He sits on it and stares at me.

"What?"

"Kiss me." He leans down and perks his lips. "UHHH..."I say. "OH NO YOU DONT, MR. GALE!" Peeta screamed, flying into the window,underwear on fire. I giggle and point at him and sing "THIS BOY IS ON FIIIRREEEE!" Peeta, who stole Humpty's jetpack, knocks Gale off the bed and punches him in the face. "Peeta are you drunk?" Gale asks, rubbing his black eye. "Yep." Peeta says, standing up. "ALLLLLLLLL I NEEEEDDD" I sang loudly.

"ISS AA BEAUTY AND A BEATTT, WHOO CANN MAKEE MY LIFFEE COMMPLEETEEE!" Peete sang, blow-kissed me, flicked Gale off, and jumped out the window screaming "DONT GO BREAKIN MY HEART, DONT GO BREAKIN MY, DONT GO BREAKIN MY, DONT GO BREAKIN MY HEART NNANANANANA!"


	5. Just sayin things

**Humpty saYs you know you want this.**

**WRONG THE MOTHER IS...this will probably give away everything...but..hint:AXES**

**Buttercup is a trans?**

**I will continue it, thanks to my great reviewer Max(I SHALL CALL YO MAX!)**

**The underwear on fire thing...IT IS DONE!**

**Peeta says he hates you.**

**Humpty says he's at your window.**

**THANKS!**


	6. Humpty is in love

I frowned as the Peacekeepers shoved us into the car to take us into the capitol. I didnt even say goodbye! Humpty put his arms around me and Peeta. "It's alright guys. We're fine as long as we got..." Peeta finished it. "Eachother?" he says hopefully. "No, as long as we got Oreos." Humpty says holding up a bag of cookies. "BUT I AINT SHARIN. NO WAY, NO HOW!" He said, stuffing cookies in his mouth.

We made it to the Capitol just in time to get dressed up. "Oh, yo look gorgeous!" Cinna squealed. "Dont be gay, Cinna" I say. He brings out a dress that is litteraly on fire. "Im not wearing that! What kind of bullshit is that?" I say. Cinna's face darkens. "You will return to the Dark side Katniss, whatever it takes." He takes out a lightsaver, a red one. "Holy..." I say. Hehehhe, two can play at that game. I take out my bow, and it transforms into a lightsaver. A BLUE ONE! YESSSSS! The room becomes dark and Cinna slashes at me with his saver. I jump back and raise my light-saver, bringing it down on his. He spins and knocks me off my feet with his. "Son of a bitch." I say. I get up and quickly swing my lightsaver at his ass, but he blocks me and twist my saver. "YAAAAAAAA!" I scream and swing my lightsaver like a bat at his face, knocking him out. "YEA BIOTCH!" I start doing the gangnam style dance. "Oop, oop, oop, oopa Katniss style. EHHHHHHH, SEXY HUNTER. OOP-" I turn and see Peeta standing there. "If your gonna do the gangnam style, do it right." He says and start doing The carlton dance.

So now we get to meet the tributes. As soon as I walk in, I want to walk out. Haymitch is talking to a dude named Chaff. Chaff grabbed me and French Kissed me. MMMMFFF! That is the sound I made when he did it. He held up the phone finger and whispered "Call me, babe." I gagged. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO!" Humpty howls. "WHAT?! WHATS GOING ON?!" I scream, ducking for cover. "No...nothing at all." Humpty says dreamily. "What?" I say. Humpty sighs dreamily again and points at...Johanna Mason? "_Her." _He sighs. "Johanna Mason?!" shee was wearing some type of tree outfit. Humpty grabbed me by the wrist and said "How do I look?" I smirked. "Like a guy who is a guy." I tell him. He nods. "Good enough." He slides over to Peeta. "Watch the master, buddeh." He says, popping his coller and pimp walks over to Johanna. "Girl, you are rockin that tree costume." He says smoothly to Johanna. She glares at him. "Oh, dont be like that. You real pretty, yo know that? Like, I could just kiss you right now! OOOH, GIRL, YOU GOT ME ON FIRE BABY,WHOOO, GIRL!" He whoots. He starts dancing. Johanna scowls, grabs a axe from her costume(what the hell?) and bashes his head with it. Of course, Johanna Mason, District 7, lumber and paper. Humpty raises his index finger, his eyes roll to the back of his head, and he collapses at her feet. "Playing hard to get, huh? Hmmmrrr, I like dat in a girl. You fiesty, yeah, you fiesty...but ima get ya...just watch...Humpty never gives up..." Then he's out. So after we meet the tributes, we had to get on this elavator with Johanna. Humpty stmubles on to it and grins. "Hey, no hard feelins for that move you made. You amaze me, you great, amazing girl." He says. Johanna rolls her eyes. "What the fuck does that mean? I'll slice you in half this second, you stupid asshole." Johanna threatened.

Humpty smiled. "Johanna, whats that behind your back?" He says. "Wha-?" she turns to look, then Humpty quickly leans in and kisses her smack on the mouth. "MMMMRRRRFFFF!" She raged in anger, but, hehehehe, I didnt see her try and move away. He must be a good kisser. He grabbed her in closer and, kept kissing her, but little did he know she was reaching for her axe.

~_le bash!~_

Humpty looked like he was struck by lightning. "Girl, you...iz...AMAZIN!" He said before he blacked out. Peeta didnt say anything the whole time, he had round glasses on the stood at the tip of his nose, and he was writing something in his notebook. "_Try..and...kiss...the...girl...while...she...is..d istracted...and..grab..her...close...and..then...g et..bashed...in...the...head...with..an...axe." _Peeta muttered under his breath, scribbling it down. I rolled my eyes. Well, I guess everybody has there ways of getting a girl, I though shrugging and making a troll face.


	7. Girls are so hard to getFOR PEETA!

**Humpty's POV**

I follow Johanna along the training room, because you dont know what kind of creepers can be watching as she...slowly...take...her cloths..._off._ "HUMMANANKIRACKTOSH?" I say. My doggy senses are telling me someone else is checking her out. I look annd spot the creeper. Chaff. I growl and bark at him and he vomits on the floor. "Humph." I say and turn my eyes back to a naked Johanna. She's not entirely naked, she still had undergarments on. But, hehe, thats enough to turn me ON. I scoff and walk over to her. "Girl, are you stripping?" I say. My head finds its way down to her ass. "Cuz, *scoff* if you are, you doin it fine." I finish. She glares. "Im not stripping. Im greasing up for a wrestling session." She says, pointing towards a naked trainer. WAIT, HOLD UP! I growl and shove the man on the floor. "Lemme wrestle with her." I say. He nods gratefully and I take off my cloths. All the females stare. "For some reason, you are way better than Finnick." Enorbia(how do you spell her name?) said. "Hey!" Finnick whimpers. I roll my eyes. I dont even have abs, its just a regular stomach. But, AWWWW, ITS SO CWUTE, YES IT IS! Oh right, back to Johanna. I butter up and grin. "Im all yours, babe." I say, grinning. Katniss looks at me and shakes her head. Peeta thumbs up and starts painting himself like Barracuda. She growls. "Im going to KILL YOU!" She says, charging.

"HOLY SHIT GIRL, DONT KILL ME!" I screech, curling up on the floor. She headbutts me(it hurts) and twist my arms behind my back(that also hurts.) then she flips me over and pins me to the floor(that really hurts). But Im taking it easy with her. I like it when she touches me,hehehehehhehehehe! She glares at me. "Wacha gonna do?" she says. I smirk. "Let you beat my ass." She grins evily and gives me a wet-willy. "SQUEEEEE!" I squeal. She kicks me in the balls(that hurts the most) and spins me around and puts me in a headlock. "ACK! Johanna, if you kill me now, who's gonna admire your axes?" She thinks about this and lets me go. "Well fine. Dont you EVER. EVER. TRY THAT LITTLE KISSING TRICK AGAIN!" She snaps, though she's grinning. Yep, I got her. Well, at least to notice that im not a duce bag. "Giggidygiggidy gee." I respond. She looks at me like Im some freak of nature(THAT MEANS TWO THINGS) and walks away to another station. So I go to where Peeta is at, the knife throwing station. "Hey Peeta. I got a point with the sweety over there." I say, nodding towards Johanna. Peeta snorts. "Congrats." He growls. "Whats your prob?" I ask him. "Its seems im the only one not getting the girl here!" he says, pointing towards Katniss. "Oh ho, wait. I didnt get the girl yet. She's just warming up to me, thats all. And Peeta...well...look at her! She has a lot on her mind. I bet she doesnt even know the definiton of 'romance'" I say. Peeta holds out 20 dollars. "Deal." I say I walk over to Katniss and lean down in her face. "What is the definition of 'romance', Katniss?" I ask her. Her head litterally starts smoking and fizzing out. "Ahhherrr." she says. I roll my eyes. I go back to Peeta. "Mudafucka gimme my money." I say, taking it out of his hand. He snorts. "I have no chance." Peeta sighs. "Cheer up Peeta, when she realizes that fucking makes the world go round, she'll be all over you." Peeta smiles and we do our handshake(clap, turn around, fist pump, pelvic thrust, breakdance, drop it like its hot, hip bump) and I lay on top of the camoflouge table, wondering why girls are so hard to win over.


	8. 3

**Katniss's POV**

"MURR!" I say as Peeta grabs my hand. "Murr." he agrees. Humpty nods. "Absoloutly murr." That is the most awesome word of all of Panem. We are riding home for our last goodbyes after that Humpty and the Flaming Chariot incident.

_Flashback_

_We were getting ready to hop on our chariot. We're next in the chariot thingy, and we look AWESOME. Humpty disapears. But as soon as the crowd sees us they go wild._

_"IIF KATNISS DOESNT WANT YOU, ILL TAKE YOU PEETA!"_

_"I TATTOOED YOR NAME KATNISS ACROSS MY ASS!" Peeta shoots the dude a death glare._

_"ILL FROST YOU CAKE FOR YOU PEETA!"_

_We wave and blow kiss them, until Humpty burst into the ceramony. He is on a literally flaming horse, and he is screaming "HELP! I WENT INTO THE PERCY JACKSON BOOK AND STOLE THAT DUDE'S HORSE! HEY! IN PERCY JACKSON, ITS THE GIRL THATS BLONDE AND THE BOY THATS DARK-HAIRED!" He screams as the horse tries to fling him off. "Yeehaw!" he said. He looked like a bull-rider. The horse finally flung Humpty off. He went flying into the crowd, but he kept flying higher. "WEEEEEEEEEE!" He squealed. Everbody screamed. He landed on the Capitol flag and set it on fire. "FUCK YOU CAPITOL, AND ALL YOU STAND FOR!" He screamed, jumping off the burning flag. The flag fell on to the crowd, and they went running out screaming and swearing. The whole building caught on fire, and we had to be rushed out. "BURN, BABY, BURN IT GOOD. BURN IT LIKE PEETA BURNED THAT BREAD! ON PURPOSE!" Humpty shouts, swinging on to a strip of the flag. He swung out like Tarzan, hehehehehhteeheteehehttettehhee, saying " .SPARTA!" _

_End of Flashback._

I shook my head and got out the car. "Ah, home sweet home! I hope my mom has starved to death by now!" Peeta says brightly. Humpty nods. "Yeah. She's a bitch. Hope she died." I stare at them. "Are you sure your not drunk?" I say suspiciously, sniffing his breath. He gulps. "Peeta, answer my question." I say, narrowing my eyes. He shakes his head. "Mmm mmmmrm." He says. I step closer. "Peeta...dont you dare lie to me." I threatened, poking him in the stomach. He just shakes his head and started humming something. "Peeta Bread Mellark, If I find out your lying, your dead." I growl. He whimpers. I frown. "Peeta. .DRUNK." I say slowly and steadily. Tears stream down his face. Humpty starts trembling. "HUMPTY! Is he drunk?" I ask him. He just makes this face:

?_?

I glare at him. "Dont you play emoticon with ME! WHAT ARE YOU TWO UP TWO, AND WHY WASNT I TOLD?!" I hiss. I was mad. Very mad. No one does something fun without Katniss Everdeen.

D: Peeta said.

:P Humpty responded.

$$^#^&$% I say.

O.O Humpty ans Peeta say."TELL ME NOW! PLEASE!" I plead. Peeta says:

:((((((((((((

D': I say.

:1 Humpty says.

O.e I twitch.

(o.o)- Peeta says, pointing at Humpty.

:3 Humpty says, pulling out a notebook. "ENOUGH WITH THE EMOTES!" I said. I snatch the notebook from his hands. It read:

_Girl, you should make a hot dog stand, becuz you already know how to make a weiner stand._ I blink. "What?" I say. The giggle and skip away.


	9. The Cwuddlez Saga

"NUUUUUU!" Prim sobs as she hugs my legs. "Prim, let me go." I say softly. She bites my legs and shakes them. "OWAH!" I shout. I kick her off me. My mother waves and said. "The Capitol beat me to it." WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! I humph and stomp out. "Im ready to die!" I say, dragging Peeta and Humpty back into the Capitol car. "Murr?" Humpty says, cocking his head like a dog(he was techinically a dog) and made a whimpering sound. I pat his head and scoot over so Peeta can come in. "RASGOLSHOMOF!" He wheezes and passes out. "Huh?" I say, kicking him slightly with the tip of my shoes. He shudders and gets back up. "Hey Katniss!" He said, leaning over to kiss me. But I lean back and he ends up kissing Humpty. "**MMMMMMFFFFF!**" he screeches and shoves Peeta off him. "What the fuck?" Peeta says in suprise. I snicker. The car hits a speed bump, and we fly out our seats, hitting our heads on the ceiling of the car. "YOUUCHHH!" Humpty says. Peeta groans and passes out again. "Fucking speedbump." I mutter.

We arrive at the Capitol a hour later. "OHHH JOOOHANNNNAAAAA!" Humpty rings, running over to her. "Fuck." she muttered. "What do you want?" Johanna asks, swinging her axe threatingly. "You. I want you." he sighs under his breath. "Well you cant have it." she snaps. Humpty uses that punch line I saw in his notebook. "Girl, you should make a hot dog stand, because you already know how to make a weiner stand." He gushes. Johanna swung the handle of her axe at his balls. There was a loud crack, then he fell on to her, unconscious. "UUUUUUHHHH, MEH NUTS!" He groans. Johanna shoves him off her. "GO CATCH HERPIES!" she screams in his face and stomps off. He moaned and grinned. "Already got my shots, sweety." I gag and walk with Peeta into the hall.

Fastforward.

"I just want to spend every possible mili-second of my life with you." He says sweetly. I roll my eyes and smile. "Come on, then." I throw him on to my bed. "AM I GONNA LOSE MY VIRGINITY TODAY?!" Peeta says excitedly. I scrunch my face up. "No, you jackass." I say. He yawns and plops down in the middle of the bed. "Cwuddlez with me." he says in a Mr. Cuddles voice. I shrug and shove him off the bed and start jumping up and down on it. He whimpers and climbs back on to it. "**CWUDDLEZ!**" Peeta whined. "WEEEEEEEee!" I say as I jump up and down. He makes a cat noise. "Nya?" He said. I hit him upside the head with a pillow. He giggles and started rolling around on the bed, pinching his cheeks. Humpty walks in. "Uhmer...awaha." he whimpers. "Whats wrong, Humpty?" I say. Tears are streaming down his face.

"**AM I THE ONLY ONE NOT GETTING ANY CWUDDLEZ?! FOR FUCKS SAKE, EVEN HAYMITCH IS GETTING SOME CWUDDLEZ WITH A PERSON I'D RATHER NOT SAY! WHERE'S JOHANNA? I WANT CWUDDLEZ! ITS NOT FAIR! I TOTALLY LOVE CWUDDLEZ, THERE THE BEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE! ITS NOT FAIR!**" He sobs. He runs out, crying. I blink. He'll get over it. Peeta makes a sad dog sound. "Cwuddles?" he says, his blue puppy dog eyes staring at me. I hit him with my pillow. He sniffles. I start to tickle him, because im a tickle master. He giggles. "OOOHAHAHAHAHEWHEHOOAHEHHOHAWHWA! KAT-NISS! STOP! PLEASE! BWHAHAHOAHA!" Peeta giggles. I smile. I admit, even to the Team Gale fans, Peeta is EXTREMELY ADORABLE. You gotta admit it, Team Gale fans. At least in this fanfic. Oh, im not supposed to know that. He giggles and starts nomming on a cookie. **A/N: OMY FUCKING GOSH IM GONNA DIE OF PEETA ADORABLE-NESS. FUCK GALE, HES MEAN. GO TEAM PEETA!** I lay down and look up at the ceiling. Im gonna die in two days. Wow. Peeta inturupts my thinking. He giggles and grabs me close. So this is 'cwuddlez'? "Cwuddlez." He sighs. Smiling, he fell asleep. Murr, fuck cold-hearted souless violent romance-deprived Katniss. Cwuddlez FOREVAH!

**Humpty's POV**

****Cwuddlez deprived. Yes, thats it, cwuddlez deprived. Thats what I am, as I sat in Johanna's closet. Now I know how Peeta feels. I can be adorable like him, too, I just never had a cause too. My eyes were blood-shot. I need help. I hear a creak outside the closet. I gasp and scoot deeper into the closet. There's a clang of metal(most likely a axe) and a tired sigh. Johanna. "Murr?" I say, peeking my head out the closet. "OMY FUCKING GOSH, HUMPTY! YOU SCARED THE LIVING HELL OUT OF ME!" Johanna screeched, hiding under the covers. I smile shyly. Wait, im not shy! What am I doing? "What do you want this time?" she grumbles. I frown sadly. Be the Peeta. Be the Peeta. Dont be the Finnick. "Oh, nuthin...just cwuddlez." I say sweetly. She narrows her eyes at me. "Cwuddlez! Do you know what cwuddlez are?" She shook her head. I gasp. "What? What are they?" she demands. All you could see were here green eyes, peering at me under the covers. "I cant show yo if you wont let me. And you wont let me." I say. She stares at me. "Nya?" I say. Cat noises...are...EPIC. She narrows her eyes. "What are you saying?" She says suspiciously.**A/N: ITS SO CUDDLY IM GONNA DIE! AHHHGG! IM SO TURNED ON BY CWUDDLEZ THAT ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY! Heh, Team gale fans, can GALE be adorable like Peeta and Humpty? I think not. *flips hair* **I slip over to her. "Lemme show you-*giggle*-I wont hurt you." I started giggling madly. Oh, IVE GOT PEETA FEVER!

Peeta Fever- a term used to describe giggle-ee-ness, Nya cat sounds, nomming on cookies, puppy dog eyes, and just plain adorableness. Beware: This fever may be too mch for curtain people. It is deadly.

Uhm, anyways. She blinks at me. I roll on the floor, giggling. "NYA,NYA NYA!" I sqeal.

Peeta Fever side effects- spasms, uncontrollabe giggling, watching my little pony over and over again. Hugging people, hard.

Spasm run through my body. It feels like EPICNESS. I hug a pillow that was on the floor and start singing My little Pony. Johanna growls. "WHAT IS CWUDDLING?!" She demanded. "You want cwuddles? I'll show you cwuddlez." I say. I fling myself at her.I make puppy dog eyes at her. Heh, I was BORN to do that. She squeaks, which is unlike Johanna, she is quiet deadly. I cwuddle her so much I was gonna explode. She just lets me, she was paralized in either terror or epic cwuddleness. I sigh, still holding her. "That, my sweets, is cwuddling." Before she could bang me with her axe, I skitted out the room. BOO-YAH!

**Haymitch's POV?...**

**I am not doing his Pov. That would just be disgusting. The cwuddle victim in his Pov, though...is...might i say it? Effie.**

**I just FELT IN A CWUDDLY MOOD, ALRIGHT? AND IF I GET ANY BAD REVIEWS, IM GONNA DO ANOTHER ONE(lol jk, but i really wanna do another cwuddlez saga between the hunger games parody. GASP. CWUDDLEZ SAGA!) Hope you died of cwuddleness! *is cwuddled by my cat***


	10. DO THE HARLEM SHAKE PT 1

****"DIS SHIT IS STUPID!" I said, wiggling in the chair. They were trying to put my wedding dress on me, but I refuse because It wasnt my style. "OMY GAWD JUST PUT THE STUPID DRESS ON." Cinna screamed, which scared the shit out of me. I stop wiggling and glared at them as they slid the dress on me. "Now, we must present you to all of Panem with your wondeful wedding dress on. Are you ready?" he asks.

"No. Im too fucking young to get married." I grumble.

"THATS THE SPIRIT KATNISS! NOW GET OUT THERE AND SHAKE DAT ASS!" Cinna shouts. "Perv." I mumble as he shoves me out the room. As me and Peeta head towards the main wedding room, Effie ambushes us. "WTF?! YOU DICK-WADS BETTER HURRY YOUR ENGAGED ASSES UP OR YOU GONNA BE WALKING WITH THREE SHOES ON, TWO ON YOUR FEET AND ONE UP YOUR ASS!" She snarls. Peeta whimpers and shuffles ahead. I sigh and step into the wedding room.

Holy fucking shit.

Everybody is staring at me, some gaping and some drooling. Peeta starts doing the Kat-daddy. "OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!" He screams and rushes on to the stage. I follow him. Humpty walks on to the stage, too, and he starts reading out of a little black book. "BLAH BLAH BLAH MARRY BLAH BLAH BLAH FOREVER BLAH BLAH LOVE! DO YOU, PEETA MELLARK, TAKE KATNISS EVERDEEN AS..." Humpty trails off. Peeta and I blink at him. "Wait...hold up...I got a text..." He says, pulling out his Iphone 5. He swipes around on it, then his jaw drops. " . ." He says, aghast. Ooh, im curious. I lean in and try and look at the text, but he quickly puts it away. "Wow, thats fucked up. Uhm anyways, Do you, Peeta Mellark...well of course you do, you have no choice!" Humpty says cheerfully.

Ugh.

Peeta giggles. "You may now fuck-I MEAN KISS-the bride." Humpty breathes. Peeta leans in and I put my bow in front of his lips, and guess what, he kisses it! "HA!" I snort. Peeta cocks his head, shrugs, and Ceaser stumbles on to the stage. I sit by Johanna and Humpty, who were saying yo mama jokes.

"So, Peeta, how do you feel right now?"

"I feel hyper."

"Uhm...ok? I mean, about the wedding."

"Oh! Ha, I feel happy, though, we were already married."

"HOW IS DAT POSSIBLE?"

"We got married in teh Justice Building."

"Oh. So I guess this was all for nothin, heh?"

Peeta grins. "Can our friends here, keep a secret?" He asks. Ceaser shrugs.

"I guess you can say, this was all for nothin..." Peeta made a troll face."...if it weren't for the baby."

The whole crowd gasp and went into hysterics. Johanna smirked. "You did it that fast?" she asked. Humpty snickers. "Did he shoot straight?" He scoffs. Johanna is holding in her laugh. "Forgot to wear protection, I see?" She snorts. "How big was his cake?" Humpty snickers. Johanna burst out laughing, along with Humpty, who starts rolling on the floor. I glare at them. "Oh, shutup, Im not really pregnant." I whisper harshly. They blink at me. "Oh, is this some other Capitol-defying plan?" Johanna asks. I shrug. Humpty ahems. "So...you like...to tease people?" Humpty asks Johanna sweetly. Johanna kicks him in the face. "Murr, you smell of Skittles." he whispers before he blacks out. Peeta had been sat back down beside me. Humpty wakes back up and puts a llama hat on, goes to the middle of the room, and starts dancing. Everbody stops and stares at him.

_5 minutes later_

** . !**

Great. Now everybody is doing the Harlem shake. Peeta is doing the worm on the floor, while Humpty is doing the Dougie. I shrug, rip my dress off to reveal a normal-person outfit, and start doing it, too.

**Short chapter, I know, Im juicing my mind for ideas...actually, Peeta, Humpty, and Katniss do the Harlem Shake quiet well!**


	11. Wipeout: Hunger games Edition

Haymitch shook me. "Just...remember who the enemy is, ok?" He slurred. I nodded. "Take care, Haymitch." Peeta says. Haymitch shoves us out the room. "NOW YOU GO OUT THERE AND DIE!" He cheers.

...

"See you in teh arena, Katniss!" Peeta giggles. "See ya, Peeta." I say, poking him in the stomach. He giggles and goes to get on his elavator. Humpty waves at me. "I dont plan on surviving the blood bath, but Im bringing this AK-47, just in case." He says. "Ill follow you guys, I guess, Im quiet sure Johanna can take care of herself for a while." I pet him on the head. "Bai, dog." I say. He chuckles and goes to get on his elavator. "Welp, im ready to die." I breath to myself as I step on to the elavator. Wow, these suits are stupid. Cinna waves. "SEE YOU IN HELL, BIOTCH!" He hisses. I smile and wave. The elavator thing starts to rise, and I brace myself for what Im about to see...

WHAT THE SHIT CAKES?!

As I am lifted into the arena, I take in my surroundings. There is a Walmart as the Cornucopia! WOOT WOOT! But then...there is a whole friggin obstacle course around it. "Huh?" I say, puzzled.

"WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO WIPEOUT, HUNGER GAMES EDITION.!" A voice I recognize as Bob the Peacekeeper boomed. Water is surrounding the Obstacle course. "You guys looked confused! Let me explain the obstacle in front of you, for there are many to see here, first there are two beams, one after another with a platform between the two. Rotating over each beam are two giant double-ended Sweeper arms. One is shorter than the other, and positioned above the second longer arm. There is an also an extra set of arms right at the start of the second beam. There are three in this set - two long arms, one above the other, and then a shorter arm right at the bottom. The contestants need to cross both beams by avoiding, jumping over and ducking under, the arms so they don't get knocked off. If you fall off, you must get back on and reach Wal-mart, or if your smart, run towards the jungle, where there are more obstacles waiting." Phil the Peacekeeper explains. "We will explain the obstacles as you go along. This outta be funny." He adds.

"PHIL YOU SHIT FACE!" Johanna shouts. "Oh my, dear Johanna, dont be so profound! Or we'll make sure you fall off that obstacle course!" Bob snickers. "DO THAT AND ILL SHOVE THAT MICROPHONE UP YOUR ASS!" Humpty howls. Phil makes a 'ahem' noise. "Uhm, anyways, heres the countdown."

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

"LET THE GAMES BEGIN!" Humpty howls. All the tributes rush on to the obstacle course. Woof trips and falls ahead of everybody else, so he has to go first. "HHHHAAAAHHEOOHA!" Peeta chuckles. Woof gulps and slithers on to the course. A long sweeper arm knocks the hair off his face. He falls off and splashes into the water. "PFFTFTTTTPPFTFTFTF!" Humpty scoffs. He steps up to the plate. "Watch the master." He snorts. A short sweeper arm swings at him. "HOLY SHIT!" He says and ducks. "C'mon, its easy!" He says, beckoning us. I honestly believe that im gonna get knocked the fuck out by those things. Humpty jumps over a sweeper. "WALMART HERE I COME!" He howls. A sweeper swings over his head. "YAHHHGGGG!" He says, grabbing on to it. Ha, now he was swinging in circles on the sweeper. "Help?" He whimpers. "Your slipping!" Finnick snickers. Some of the tributes just killed themselves, while others were sneaking into the jungle. "OMY GAWSH! HELP!" Humpty howls. Peeta jumps to the rescue. "AHHHGGGG!" He screams, jumping on to Humpty. Now they were both swinging on the sweeper in circles, and they were slipping. A sweeper hits Peeta in the balls. "AHHHAAOOOHOHODHAHAHAHA!" I guffaw. "YoOEHDX,DN!" Peeta screeches. "Swing!" Humpty orders. "Ill slip off into the water!" he whines. "SWING!" Humpty snarls. Peeta starts swinging back and forth, making them fly off the sweeper on to the next obstacle. "WOOT WOOT!" They cheer. "SHIT." I grumble. I jump on to the sweeper, nearly getting my head knocked off.

"Uhm...Im stuck." I whimper. Finnick rolls his eyes. "This is going to be a long two books." He grumbles.

**You like? Ill try to describe the obstacles more clearly the next chapter. I think Walmart is a perfect cornucopia!**


	12. Love That Walmart

**Sorry for the wait guys! Was at my akward family reunion. Very akward. Anyways, Keep calm and read my EPIC story.**

**ANYONE'S POV, DONT FEEL LIKE WRITING SOMONES THOUGHTS DOWN.**

"WEEEEEE!" Katniss squealed as Finnick leaped on to the next obstacle course. He landed in front of Peeta and Humpty. "SHOW OFF!" Peeta said. Humpty just rolled his eyes. "Alright, whats the next obstacle so we can get to the actual story?" Humpty asks. "UMMMM, IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE." Finnick says proudly. Dumbass. "No shit, Sherlock." Peeta growls. Finnick prods him with his trident. "Dont be rude, Peeta weata." Finnick snorts. Peeta snatches the trident out his hands and throws it in the other side of the obstacle course. "FETCH,BITCH,FETCH!" He roars. Finnick gasps. "My trident! NUUUUUU!". Finnick hops on to the obstacle course.

A punch arm punches him in the jaw. "My jaw! MY BOOTIFUL JAW!" He sobs. Another punchie thing punches him in the scrotums. "MMMMMMMFFFFFF!"He screeches. He had to walk across a narrow edge as punchie arms punched at him. He loved his trident. He must have his trident. "THIS IS FOR YOU, TRIDENTEEEE!" Finnick says.

He tip-toed across the ledge. If he fell, his ass is doomed, because there was toxic liquid below him. "Almost...there..." He wheezed. "FINNICK HURRY THE FUCK UP!" Katniss shouted. Finnick sprung to the plate. "I DID IT! Ill be in Walmart!" He says, waving at them, he got his trident, then turned to go into Walmart. "Shit, he's gonna take all the good stuff!" Humpty gasps. He grabs Katniss's and Peeta's wrist and sprang on to the ledge. "DUCK MUTHAFUCKAS DUCK!" Humpty barks. Katniss ducked, but idiotic Peeta just said "WHERE?!". A punchie arm knocked the shit out of him. "OW!" He sobbed. Katniss shoved a loaf of bread in his hands. " .BAKER." She breathed. Peeta looked down at it, then at Katniss. "Wait, why are we just standing here?" Humpty asks. Peeta flings the bread on to the plate. Half the loaf of bread stayed in his hands, and the other half turned into a hook. The hook latched on to the plate. "We can swing!" Peeta says. Katniss looks down at the toxic liquid below them. "This is some Percy Jackson shit." she growls. Humpty grabs the half of bread, grabs Peeta and Katniss(suprisingly light!) and swing across the obstacle course. They thumped on to the other plate. "IMMM ALIVEEE!" Katniss cheered and bolted to Walmart. "WAIT FOR MEH!" Peeta shouts, running after her. "OHHH NUUU, YOUR NOT TAKING ALL THE CANDY!" Humpty shouted.

**Well, I dont like doing it from anyones POV, so lets go with PEETA'S POV.**

I raced inside walmart. Candy. Wheres the damn candy? Humpty nudges me with his arm. "The candy's over here." He whispered. We waddled over to the candy section. "It's bootiful." I gasp. "Magnificent." Humpty agrees. "Lets get all of it before we get killed." So we dive into the candy. Humpty is stuffing skittles,twix,hersheys,starburst, and all kinds of shit in his pants. I grab a shopping carts and start running my hand down the shelves of candy. The candy pours into the cart, and I yip in joy. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Katniss says, her shopping cart full of game consoles. She was carrying a flat screen, some food, soda, other shit. Wait...KATNISS! "Katniss!" I squeal, throwing myself at her. "Peeta, what the fuck? You just saw me 5 minutes ago...HOW DARE YOU ROB THE CANDY AILE WITHOUT ME?!" She gasps. She tips the whole shelf over, knocking the candy on to the floor. "MINNEE!_ITS ALL MINE! ARF ARF! WOOF! RUFF! BARK!"_ Humpty barks. He throws all the candy into a shopping cart. "There! That should last us 5 years." Humpty says. "Lets go get some weapons." Katniss says.

~_LE DREAMY SIGH~_

__She's so...EPIC. Humpty jumps on to a shopping cart."GET ON!" He orders. Me and Katniss hop into the cart. Humpty starts pushing it, and we go rolling around Walmart. WEEEEEEEE! But then, a rival tribute, Enorbia(HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT SHIT?) jumped in the middle of the aile. But Humpty didnt stop pushing the cart. "HUMPTY STOP OR WE ARE GONNA GET KILLED!" I screeched. Katniss stands up in the cart. "FOR NARNIAAAAAA!" she screams. Oh, I guess that means this story is too epic and adventerous to 'not get killed'. "YARRRRR!" I shout as the shopping cart neared Enorbia. Enorbia blinked. "HOLD ON, IM FLIPPING OVER ER'." Humpty warned. He pressed his foot on the bottom of the cart, and we went flying over Enorbia in slow motion. "I LOVE YOU WALMART!" I shout. We land on the pet supplies aile, and Humpty immediatley starts grabbing doggy treats. "What? Im still technically a dog." He grumbles. We ride on to the food aile, which are many.

"Hmmmm, ill be taking this...and this...this...this..." I mumble, grabbing cake supplies. Katniss is grabbing PopTarts and Fruit Loops and stuff. YAY FRUIT LOOPS! Humpty is sliding** A/N: I LOVE WALMART OMFG! **Random food items onto the cart. "Wait! The pizza!". Humpty cries, running into the frozen food aile. "Hey wheres Finnick?" I ask, not that I care. "Oh, he's in facial aile. You know, with all the Proactive and mirrors and razors." Katniss replies, half her body submerged in a pile of cake mixes. "Oh shit, we need weapons. Ill be back, im going into the tool aile." She mumbles, her eyes flashing dangerously. She hopped off. "Hmmmm..." I say, chewing on a loaf of bread.

_le gasp_

"MY BOXERS! WE NEED BOXERS HUMPTY!" I screech, flailing my arms. "OH NUU! I NEED MY PADS!" Katniss screeches from the tool aile.

TMFI.

"I NEED TAMPONS SO WHEN BELLA USES THEM I CAN SUCK THE BLOOD OUT OF THEM." Edward Cullen says. The whole store goes silent. "W-what?" Humpty says in disgust. "There! I said it! I like to suck tampons! And I love it when Bella is on her period because-"Edward was cut off by Katniss. "OMY FUCKING GAWSH, JUST SHUTUP...THAT IS DISGUSTING. EUGH! EWEWEWEWEWWEWEWEW!AT LEAST JACOB DOESNT SUCK TAMPONS!" She shouts. Edward ran out Walmart sobbing. "I JUST WANT A FRIEND THATS NOT PALE AND SOCIALLY AKWARD!" He cries. "Im your friend!" I whisper. Humpty pats me on the back and says "I got the boxers."

**Weird, right? Yes, i know. Edward Cullen always messes up stuff. He needs to go away. Anyways, HOPE YAH ENJOYED. R&R!**


	13. Humpty has A plan

**Yes, I understand the Edward bit was creepy on so many levels, but that was my intention. Isnt this story so fun-filled and adventerous? I feel like im competing with Percy Jackson. ENJOY!**

**Katniss's POV**

I searched the tool aile for weapons. I see a chainsaw.I grab it and I see a arrow(ARROW IN WALMART?)"Your mine!" I hiss, snatching it from the shelf. Gotta love that Walmart. I see a tractor outside the window...ARE YOU THINKING WHAT IM THINKING? Probably not. I jump out the window and climb on to the tractor. We have to be heading into the jungle soon. Im in the seat of the tractor when I see Mags walk up to it. "Ding Ding Ting a Ding Bark Bark Doing." She said. "C'mon you old bag, lets get the three stooges from the store." I say, helping her on to the tractor. "Bibba bibba telly tubbies." Mags says. "Whatever the fuck that means, I agree. How do you start this thing?" I ask. Mags reaches down and tugs on a lever, and the tractor starts rumbling. "DIV DO EV DI?" Mags shouts over the engine noise. "DO I HAVE A LISCENSE? OH, NUUUU, IM A FREE BITCH, YA KNOW?!" I scream at her. She shrugs and sits back. I turn the wheel and it crashes into Walmart. "Shit." I mumble. I back up, then a press a red button. Who doesnt press red buttons? The tractor started moving rapidly. "GIGGIDY GIGGIDY!" Mags shouts in alarm. Holy shit, this tractor is a transformer! "I am Henry the Transformer." It says. I sat on its shoulder. "Hello Henry. Well, since using you in the games is cheating, you gotta transform back. But can you give me and my friends a ride to the mighty jungle?" I ask him. "Sure, Katniss. A friend of Peeta and Humpty is a friend of mine." It says. Wait, how does it know Peeta and Humpty? Hmmmmm..."HEY, PEETA LOOK ITS HENRY!" Humpty shouts at Peeta. Peeta squints. "WOW! HEY HENRY! HEY MY BOOTIFUL KATNISS! HELOO...MAGS. FINNICK IS WAITING FOR US AT THE EGDE OF THE JUNGLE." He shouts. They hop on to Henry's foot. "Hey, how do you know Henry?" I ask them. Humpty shakes his head at Peeta. Peeta gulps. "Uhm...thats classified." Peeta chokes. WELL. BE THAT WAY. Henry turns and runs towards the jungle. "WOOOOHOOOOO!" Peeta and Humpty cheer. I can see the whole arena from Henry's shoulders. "Your awesome, Henry." I say. Henry turns his blue glowing eyes towards me. "You should fuck Peeta." he says.

O.o

...

...

...

...

...

I remain silent until we reach the jungle. "Thanks for teh ride, Henry!" Humpty shouts up at Henry. "No prob." Henry says. He transforms back into a tractor. Humpty tilts his head towards east of the jungle. "Johanna?" He says. "What? Is she dying?" Finnick asks. Humpty glares at Finnick. "Nu, she's not, and dont go getting any funny ideas, because she's mine, you ass-wipe." Humpty snarls. Finnick raises his trident threatenly. "Alright, boys, calm the fuck down. So, Humpty, waddya gonna do?" I ask. Humpty tilts his head again...like a dog. "She's fine, I can just hear her footsteps from miles away...I think I might have to go with her." Humpty says. Peeta frowns. "But Humpty...who am I gonna share my secret ingredients with?" Peeta whimpers. Humpty gives Peeta a 'manly' hug. "Dont worry, bro, Ill be back...but thy lady calls." Humpty says. Finnick glares at Humpty. Humpty growls at him. "My body's a party." Finnick growls. "I invented sex, motherfucka." Humpty replies.

...Humpty gives me a nudge. "Take care of Peeta, will you? I am half dog, I am very companionable thing, so you have to take my place for a while." Humpty explains. I nod. "I wont let you down, alright?" I say, hugging him. Im sorry, he's just so huggable, he IS half dog, for fucks sake.

"Fo shizzle my nizzle." Humpty says, grabbing half the stuff we collected in Walmart. "I SALUTE YOU, BROTHER." Peeta sniffles. Humpty blinks, shakes his head, and heads east. Well, gawsh, this was a akward POV.

**HUMPTY'S POV**

I trot east. I know Johanna will probably not take my arrival so nice, but at least she'll be safe with me. I chew slowly on a starburst. The sun...its so hot...I start panting. So, I do what I always do when Im about to have a heat stroke. I think about Johanna. Her hair was perfect. Not too long, not to short. Nice shiny dark brown. Nice, relaxing light green eyes. Deadly personality. Demented mind. Horrible intake on life. Perfect. Just perfect. I sigh and sniff the air. I smell her scent. It smelled like skittles, and orange soda, and axes, and lumber...

And sheep.

Thats what makes me go wild when Im around her. That smell of sleep thats always following her. It smelled WONDERFUL. Im a sheep-dog, get it? I love to herd sheep. Sheep make the Border Collie world go round. I use to be the best sheep-dog in district 11. I sigh and look down at my legs. But im not a Border Collie anymore, im a human, well, half human, because of Betee. But thats another story. I sniff the air, and I smell it, all those wonderful smells I described. "JOHANNA?!" I yell out, not caring if another tribute came out.

There was a rustle in the bushes, and two bright green eyes peered at me through the bushes. "You jackass, do you want to get killed?" Johanna hissed at me. My heart pounded in joy. "Johanna! Hey! Ive been following your wonderful scent!" I squeal. See, I always get weird when Im round her, I never squeal. I start turning around in circles and jumping up and down, like I use to do when my owner was about to feed me. She blinks at me. "My scent? Oh, I forgot you half dog. Why were you following my scent?" She asked, stepping out the bushes. I fiddle with my feet in the wet ground. "Well, I didnt want to leave you alone all by yourself in this arena, so I followed you." I explain.

She narrows her eyes. "How do I know your not bullshitting me?" She growls. I think for a moment. "Well, I would never hurt you, Johanna, and even If Katniss tried to trick me into it, I wouldnt do it, Ill eat my tail before doing that." I say, taking a step closer. She still looks unsure. "Still dont beleive me?" I say. I dump all my weapons and candy and food and other shit on to the ground. She sighs and lowers her axe. "Fine, but you'd better not slow me down, or Ill eat you for dinner." She warns. Oh, pshhhh, I use to drag my owner on walks, I doubt Ill slow her down. Why do I keep bringing up my owner? "Trust me, I wont slow you down, sweets." I scoff. She rolls her eyes and looks at my stuff. "Are those skittles?" She asks, her voice changing back to normal Johanna. I grin. Ah. So she likes Skittles."Yeah, want some?" I ask. She quickly grabs some skittles from the pile. "C'mon, you. Lets get going before we get de-headed." She says, walking into the vegetation before us.

Ha.

Im getting to her.

I know what I have to do.

...

Kill her with sweetness.

**You likey? Whoa, Humpty is way more mature than the other characters. Suprising. He's so detailed. If I were Johanna, I would be all ovr him. But hey, were talkin bout Johanna ,well, its seems we learned a bit about Humpty's origins, didnt we? Intresting fellow, isnt he? R&R! HOPE YOU ENJOYED!**

**~DerpQueen**


	14. My Plans for you People

**Ok people, sorry for the delay, ive been dealing with school. I will most likely be updating and adding stories on weekends, so make sure to check! I decided to turn this puny series into a legendary saga about Adventure and Funnyness. It will be like Percy Jackson, the same adventure and awsomeness and danger, but funnier, like my parody.**

**Now, Im really hoping to turn this saga into a online graphic novel. Have any of you ever heard of Bone? The comic with the white person things? Yeah. Itll probably be like that. But feel free to create art(like deviantart) of my stories, i dont mind, as long as i get credit! Actually, the saga will probably be very big, like Pacific Rim! Lol. It will have the same characters as in the parody(wont THAT be interesting!) and no, they will not be OoC(OUT OF CHARACTER) in the story, though they will be a lot funnier. Ill seperate the saga into 3 parts. First set of stories are the original books, Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay. After that it will be another set of stories(it will be before the meadow was even there, before Katniss has kids, they will still be like 18 or 17 years old) this set will have all the adventure and epicness in it. I will name it:**

**The Cheesebun Saga: The Adventures of Katniss Everdeen(she has to get all the credit xD)**

**The next set of stories, the third set, will be after all that crazy shit, like when there actually about to have kids, or in there late 20's. I will name it:**

**The Cheesebun Saga: Keeping up with the Mellarks**

**Ok, sounds interesting? Support me people, please! XD Read and Review!**

**Comment on this page please! Let me know what you think about my plans!**

**~CheesebunsTheWriter**

**Name change! It was DerpQueen, but i changed it to something more memorable!**


	15. The Way Johanna thinks

**Katniss's POV**

"FUCK OFF!" Peeta said, shoving Finnick away from him. "Nu, I just want some Hot cheetos, man, dont be a asshole." Finnick said. I rolled my eyes. "How bout Peeta slash at the-OOO ITSS KICKKING(Im trying really hard to act like im pregnant)-...how bout Peeta slash at the fucking plants and you take the back? That'll seperate you two." I suggest. They had been fighting all fucking day, and it was really pissing me shrugged and fell back behind us. Peeta grabbed a long knife and started hacking at the giant plants. "Im...TO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT, TO SEXY FOR MY HAT, TO SEXY FOR MY CAT..." Finnick began. I groaned and trudged forward "AND IM... TO SEXY FOR MY HANDS, TO SEXY FOR MY NAILS, TO SEXY FOR MY DICK...TO SEXY FOR MY ASS, TO SEXY FOR MY BALLS, TO SEXY FOR MY ORGANS..."

" . ." Peeta snarled. "Nu, you stfu, you dumbass baker." Finnick growled. Peeta sniffled and lashed angrily at the plants. "Assholes." I muttered. "Heard that." Finnick said. I squinted my eyes. Ahead, there was some kind of shimmering wall. "HMMMM...Hey Peeta, watch out for that wall-" I began, but It was too late. "GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Peeta shrieked, flying into a tree. Finnick burst out laughing. "DAT MUTHAFUCKA RIGHT THERE!" He guffawed. Mags, who had been oddly quiet, spoke up. "Helsepsaverpeetaa?" she slurred at Finnick. Finnick sighed. "Oh, fine. Ill save the bastard. But you owe me a bag if steroids." He then crouched above Peeta.  
"OPEN WIDE, FAGGOT!" Finnick said hitting Peeta in the penis. "PEETA!" I cried, slapping Finnick. "BITCH BE GONE." Finnick snapped, shoving me away.

Wait...did that muthafucka just touch me?

KATNISS THE TERMINATOR ACTIVATED

"MUTHAFUCKA I WILL SHOVE THIS FUCKING BOW UP YOUR ASS, BITCH DONT TOUCH ME! MATTER OF FACT, DONT EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME YOU DICKWAD! I SWEAR IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN ILL BREAK YOU FUCKING NECK!" I shreiked.

83

Got dat ass.

Finnick's eyes widened in horror. He looked truly terrified for a second, then he shook his head and blew some air into Peeta's nose. "Dafuaq?" Mags slurred. Peeta's eyes fluttered open. There was an akward silence for a minute, then Peeta said stupidly: "Uhm...theres something very painful up ahead." I smiled. "PEETA!" I squealed. I hugged him by his neck. "ACK!...cant...BREATH..." He choked. I pulled back, my face red, because Katniss Everdeen(me) never fucking hugged anyone like that. "Sorry." I mumbled. Peeta grinned. "Murr, I was hoping YOU would give me mouth to mouth."

* * *

**Johanna's POV**

I hate him. I hate him so much. I keep thinking this as he prances ahead, singing Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke. I just...he just makes me hate life even more. He confuses the fuck out of me. His abnormal aqua blue eyes, his jet black hair, his silly face expression. He seems as happy and jolly as Peeta, but badass and mischevious as Stewie from of Family Guy.

SO. FUCKING. CONFUSING.

And plus, he likes me. WTF?! WHO WOULD LIKE ME? IM THE BADDEST CHARACTER IN THE TRILOGY(oops)! My mind goes bazzurk.

"KILL HIM NOW! KILL HIM NOW!" Evil, mean, violent Johanna says in my mind.

"Oh, maybe we should consider him. He didnt do anything bad to you, did he? DID HE?" Unsure Johanna said.

"Who the Fuck cares?" Carefree Johanna says.

"Nu, rape him now." Perverted Johanna snickered.

I sigh and stop walking. Humpty stops and spins around. "Finally tired?" He asked, smirking. I rolled my eyes, annoyed. "Nu...we need a camp." I grumbled. Humpty blinks. "How, bout over there?" He suggested, pointing at a small open area between two giant trees. "NU, YOU FOOL-" I began, already ready to object against anything he says, but I took a look at the area. Murr, itll have to do. "Yesh, yesh, whatever." I muttered heading over there. Humpty says some flirty comment under his breath, and I spin around and wack him upside the head with the bottom of my axe. "Shut it, Humphrey." I growl. "OWWW! That hurt, sweets. And its Humpty." Humpty complains. I dismiss him with a wave of my hand.

**You like? I realized Johanna's eyes are actually brown. Oh well, who the fuck cares? R&R! I just typed this in my spare time, sorry if it wwasnt funneh!**


	16. Hunger Games just got Epicer

**Katniss POV**

I was on watch for the afternoon. It was partly my choice, Peeta wanted to, but I insisted he rest his leg. Now he was dead sleep. "Fuck my life." I mumbled. Something dropped onto my nose. "Eh?" I said. The liquid was some type of neon blue, glowing gel. It burned like shit. Another one dropped onto my neck. "FUCK." I said, all annoyed. I felt a wave of hot air down my whole body. I looked up and gasped.

IT WAS A PACIFIC RIM KAIJU!-(Look it up for those of you who dont know.)

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" It screeched. I swear, that was the biggest thing I have ever saw in my whole life. It was bigger than the capitol itself, how did they fit it in the arena? It looked like a dragon gorilla. It had black, scaley(OH YOU KNOW WHAT A KAIJU LOOKS LIKE) skin, and through the cracks in the skin, it was a glowing neon blue. Fucking awesome and scary as hell at the same time. Its eyes glowed the same color. It had spikes on its back, and its tail was as long as a T-rex's dick. Its claws were as long as the capitol building. Holy shit, why am I sitting here explaining this to you with a kaiju over my damn head? It snarled at me, making the whole arena shake. "WAKE THE FUCK UP!" I screeched, beating Finnick, Peeta and Mags with a stick. "Ow...what-?" Finnick began, but then he looked up, then his jaw literally dropped to the ground. "MAMAMAMAM-UMUMAMAMAMMAMMAMAMAMAM!" Peeta whimpered. Mags just straight pissed herself. "RUN!" Finnick cried. "NO SHIT, SMART ASS!" I said, shoving him to go.

Sarcastic even when you are running away from a kaiju.

LIKE A BAWS

"OH NU, WHAT IF IT GOT HUMPTY AND JOHANNA?!" Peeta panted, running beside me. "We-" I began, but then I looked back and saw something suprising. "HUMPTY?!" We all said at the same time. Actually, it was Humpty AND Johanna. They were riding in this awesome-as-fuck car. It was all black, but it kinda had the same colors as the giant kaiju that was chasing us. The black car had blue, neon, glowing streaks across its side. It was a hoodless car. It also had...FUCKING WINGS! I swear, that car was fly as fuck. "PIMP MY RIDE MUTHAFUCKAS!" Johanna chanted, putting on her sunglasses. Humpty grinned. "Wazzup my bitches? HOP THE FUCK ON OR BE KAIJU SHIT! HURRY!"He shouted over the booming footsteps of the beast behind us.

We fell back and hopped into the car, since it had no hood. "STEP ON IT!" Finnick ordered. Humpty turned and looked at him. "Muthafucka, this is my car. So shut the fuck up." He said. Humpty pressed one of the many buttons in the car. This was some movie shit. The car was so futuristic, so glowing and hawt. Wait, this reminded me of TRON: THE MOVIE! "HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL YEAAAAH!" Peeta said in his Peter Griffin voice. The car's wings let out a massive fume of blue fire, and up, up, and away we went. "AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Me, Finnick, and Peeta screamed. Mags was laughing madly. Johanna, who seemed to be enjoying all of this turned and said "Hold the fuck on."

"EAT MY DICK, STUPID KAIJU!" Humpty said. The Kaiju looked up at us, blue teeth bared, then spread its arms.

And..oh my.

That shit had wings. "SHIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!" Peeta cried. The kaiju launched into the air right after us. "Bullshit." Humpty muttered. He twisted a bright red lever and spun the car around, heading right towards the giant kaiju. "HUMPTY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" We all said at the same time. "Being a baws." He answered. The cars wheels suddenl turned into torpedos. "FIRE AWAY BIOTCH!" The torpedos shot at the Kaiju's balls. "SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAHCCCCCCCCCH!" It shrieked in pain. The torpedoes exploded on contact. "Ha ha! This is fun!" I laughed. Everybody laughed and agreed. The

And thus was a start of a bootiful friendship.

_**TO BE CONTINUED...**_

**Lol, I was just feeling on a Pacific Rim mood. Funny? Fun? Epic? PLEASE REVIEW! HOPE YA ENJOYED! And yes, Im aware that this saga is too hype, but frankly my dear, I dont give a fuck.**


	17. The Texting Games

**Ok, this chapter has nothing to do with the story, well, it kinda does. Anyway, ill update a actuall chapter soon XD I just wannted to publish this. ENJOYAH**

**Katniss&Gale**

Gale: hey

Katniss: hey who is this? Peeta chnged all my contact names.

Gale: What does it say for my name?

Katniss: Asshole dicksucker

Gale: Oh WTF, ITS ME GALE

Katniss: OH, well I guess he dnt change your contact name.

**Haymitch&Katniss's Mom**

Haymitch: Roses are red violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you

Katniss'sMom: AWW 3

Haymitch:But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

Katniss'sMom:...

**Peeta&Katniss**

Peeta: I HAD AN AMAZING DAY TODAY

Katniss: What was so amazing bout it?

Peeta: Becuz i ran into Gale

Katniss: and why is that so amzing...?

Peeta: It was with my car...

**Gale&Madge**

Madge: Hey

Gale: eh? why u talkin to me, we broke up remember?

Madge: I no but I wrote a song fo you

Gale: k lemme hear it

Madge:EENNIE MEENIE MINE MO, CAUGHT YOU CHEATING WITH THAT HOE, TRIED TO LIE RIGHT TO MY FACE, THINK AGAIN BITCH YOUVE BEEN REPLACED!

Gale: -.-fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

**Humpty&Johanna(humpty is a border collie at the moment)**

Humpty: I feel depressed.

Johanna: Whats this? *sends humpty a picture of a sheep*

Humpty: OMG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFG!

Humpty:ITS A SHEEP! IT MUST BE HERDED! WERE IS IT? I SHALL HERD IT! YAYAYAYAY! BARK!

Johanna: Yesh, thats my happy puppeh.

**Humpty&Johanna(again)**

Humpty:WOOF!

Humpty: BARK BARK!

Humpty:RUFF RUFF YIP!

Humpty: WOOF BARK BOOF WUUF RARF!

Johanna: Lemme guess, you bit peeta so hard he fainted, then planted him under the balcony, then went and used katniss's underwear as a floating device to land under the balcony on peeta, then, stuffed Peeta's underwear with cheese so that when you landed on him, his underwear would explode with cheese.

Humpty: Your a dog person. She's a dog person. We belong together. We need an ambulence.

**Peeta's kids**

Kathy(PEETA AND KATNISS DAUGHTER XD): Dad, r u still having those nightmares?

Peeta: 1. How do you know how to use a phone? Ur only three 2. Why do u ask? 3. Whose phone are u using?

Kathy: Because I keep hearing moans and groans and screams in your room, There is much you dont know about me, and I borrowed money from your savings account.

Peeta:...oh...I was having a nightmare...that was your mom...she's been...busy...

Kathy: Will it be a boy or girl?

**More to come...just not now...BAI!**


	18. Rabbids Invasion

**Peeta's POV**

Humpty is my bitch. In a brotherly way. He managed to shake the kaiju by shooting it in the penis. I think it died, I dont know. "WE SHOULD LAND ON THE BEACH SO WE CAN SEE THE OTHER TRIBUTES IF THEY TRY TO KILL US!" Finnick suggested. Humpty was blasting the radio, listening to Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke. "Whatever, my nizzle! JUST HAND ME A DAMN PEPSI NEXT!" Humpty shouted over the radio. Katniss tossed a Pepsi Next to Humpty, then looked at me. "PEETA, why did you just jump?" She asked me. I got caught up in my words, she was so...so...

DANGEROUSLY SHMEXY!

"I-I didnt jump." I said, blinking. I had noticed Johanna was staring anxiously at the touchscreen gas tank meter. "Humpty, you jackass, WERE GONNA RUN OUT OF GAS!" She hissed. Humpty smiled apolegetically and said "I forgot to fill it up." The car started sputtering, then all was still. "What the fuck?" I said.

**WOOOOSH!**

"GAHHHHHH!" I screamed.

"AHHHHHHG!" Katniss screamed.

"BWAHHHHH!" Humpty screamed.

"RAWWWWWHH!" Finnick screeched.

"SHUT UP!" Johanna snapped.

The car went plummeting toward the ground. "WHAT DO WE DO?!" Katniss asked. I hugged her. "DUNT WORRY MY SHNOOKUMS! ILL SAVE US!" Then I sat there and did nothing. "UGHH! WERE GONNA DIE!" Johanna said over the wind. Humpty shook his head. "I went to Hogwarts, I know a few spells." He took out a wand and waved it around. "I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE, SO IF YA GOT ONE RAISE IT UP HIGH!" He chanted. We`all stared at him. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO DO?!" Finnick snapped. Humpty grinned that grin. "You'll see...MWAHAHAHA!" Humpty sniggered. OH NUUU, THE CAR WAS NEARING THE GROUND! WE'RE GONNA DIE GODDAMMIT!

What the hell?

As soon as we were about to hit the ground, a giant ass appeared. We bounced on it and then slid onto the ground. "OMFG HUMPTY YOU SAVED US WITH YOUR ASS SPELL!" I said. Humpty pointed towards Walmart. "Yus yus, thank me later. Lets get some leftover supplies before some stupid tribute people come out." He said. Johanna frowned, though it was clear she was hiding a grin. We rushed into walmart. "Lol, man panties." Katniss snickered, holding up a pair of them. Finnick snatched them out her hands. "I NEED THOSE YOU CUCUMBER." He said. Katniss slapped him with her bow so hard. "FWUCK!" Finnick said, marching into the womens underwear aile. "Hi Katniss." I greeted. She blinked. "Hello, Peeta." she greeted back. Humpty threw a shirt on my head. "Soorry. Looking for some word shirts." he mumbled. I grabbed Katniss's hand and led her into the soda aile. Humpty had beat us there, though.

"Lettuce begin." He said. He shook a bottle of orange soda, hard. "ITS ABOUT BL-L-O-W-W!" He said. He pointed the orange soda at us. He took the top off...

_FWOOOOOOSH!_

"YEEEEEEEHHAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!" Humpty hooted. The orange soda let out an explosion of soda(lol) and sent Humpty flying around walmart. "HAHHAHAAHA! LOOK AT ME JOHANNA! IM SUPER MAN!" He laughed. Johanna gaped. "NU FAIR!" She said. Humpty went flying into me. "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?" I said. We went flying out walmart onto the beach.

**Fastforward**

We had made a small camp on the beach. We built a shelter out of tampons and straws. We thought since we had just escaped a giant monster we would have some safe time.

But FUCK NUUUUU!

Katniss squinted at the jungle. "The hell is that? Mist?" She mumbled. "AWW! Well, I dont know." I shrugged. Johanna frowned. "Oh...just kill me now." She whined as Humpty rubbed her hair. Mags said something stupid. Finnick's eyes widened. "Uh...its coming closer." He gulped. Katniss got her bow, but then realized you cant shoot mist. She rolled her eyes and pointed. "Should we run?" she asked. "YESH WE SHOULD RUN! COMEON FOOLS!" She said before anyone could answer. But the mist had already reached us. I felt...weird. Huh? The mist licked at my skin. "BlURP!" I gurgled. "RUN PEETA YOU IDIOT!" They all said at the same time. But I couldnt, the mist had paralized all my nerves and bones. "Glubbbna." I gurgled. I felt...smaller..."GAHHHH!" Everybody screeched, they must have been feeling it too. "What the...?" Humpty said.

Oh. My. Gawd.

EVERYBODY HAD TURNED INTO RABBIDS FROM RABBIDS INVASION!(I couldnt think of anything less retarded)

"BWAHH?" Humpty said, his white ears twitching.

"BlargahhGaggafga!" Finnick said.

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!" Katniss screeched in raged. Johanna went running towards the ocean. "Bwehg!" Humpty blurgged, running after her on his little Rabbid legs. (Ok, people, you know the drill, if you have no idea what Im talking about please look up "Rabbids Invasion") "SQWAAAHHHHHHH!" Mags blurgged. I exlcmained my rabbid hands. "Blurr?" I said. My eyes were still blue. Katniss's eyes were red. "BYAAAGH!" She said, poking me. Eh, what was she saying? Whatever, but this was freaking awesome for some reason.

**This made no sense. Its like there not even in the games anymore. LOL I LUV RABBIDS INVASION EVEN THOUGH IM A LITTLE TO MATURE FOR THE SHOW! Review please! Doubt you enjoyed!**


	19. BabyMist, Mags and the Dick Lock

**Humpty's POV**

After the akward situation of turning into rabbids, we returned back to our destroyed camp. But something else wasnt right. "Hey...wheres Peeta?" Katniss asked, reading my mind. Everyone looked around but couldnt find him.

OH NUUU!

WHAT IF HE EXPLODED? OR DROWNED? OR COMMITED SUICIDE? OR ATE SOME NIGHTLOCK!? "Gubba." A baby voice said. Something was pulling on my pants leg. "Eh?" I said looking down.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Peeta had turned into a baby. 0_0

"Glubba blubba weeeeee!" Baby Peeta said. "AHHHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" I guffawed. Johanna snickered, but Katniss just stood there frowning dissaprovingly. Finnick gaped. "Ugh...guys? I dont think the mist retreated." I turned and gasped. THE MIST HAD GOTTEN BIGGER AND COMING BACK FOR US!

"OH FUCK NUUU!" Johanna said. "BAKEBAKEBAKEAB!" Baby Peeta said as Katniss picked him up.

Too late. Again.

The mist wrapped us in its grip. "MARCO!" I said. Someone hit me upside the head with a handle. "Idiot. We are standing in the same place." Johanna said. "SQUEEE!" Baby Peeta said. "SHUSH! Wait, does anyone feel smaller?" Katniss said. Finnick spoke up. "Yes...Im feeling very...bouncy...I want to put something in my mouth..." He slurred. "For some reason I want a rattle instead of an axe..." Johanna blubbered. I looked down...

Oh shit, Im a baby. Well, I should say puppy. Im a puppy. A cuddly cuddly puppy.

"What just happened?" Peeta said. We looked at him. "WE ARE ALL BABIES, YOU FOOL! GAH!" Katniss said, falling on her side. Since I was the only baby who's legs were functional, I nudged everyone up. "How did they make this stuff? Weres my bow? IM SO CONFUSED GODDAMMIT!" Katniss whined. "Shushup, people. We must be quiet, or some tributes-hey wheres Mags?" Johanna said. We all looked around with our baby eyes. There was a crack. "I think I shit myself." Peeta whispered. Finnick the baby looked behind me. "MAGS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" He said. Mags was walking toward the center of the mist. "If yall stay in the mist too long, your all gonna turn into unfertalized eggs. I must sacrafice myself. Goodbye." Mags said. We all gaped. That bitch could talk? "MAGS DONT!" Katniss begged, but Mags had already wobbled into the center of the mist.

Then all was silent(WEEEEEEEEE!)

Mags had discenigrated into a puff of smoke, and rose out the arena. "Take me with youuuuuu!" Finnick cried. The mist retreated back into the forest. I felt myself growing. "AHHHHG. Thats better." Johanna said, flinging a rattle out her hands and picking up her axe. Katniss was still gaping at the air. "This is all my fault...all I did this whole time was act like I was pregnant and ask questions, unlike normal Katniss Everdeen. I suck." Katniss pouted, now back to her hormornal teenage self. "AW, Katniss, you led us across the arena-

"No I didnt."

"..-and helped us reach the beach. You've done a lot. And even if you didnt, we're probably gonna die anyway." Peeta said brightly, rubbing her back. Katniss frowned. "Oh, wow, thanks Peeta, I feel _much _better. Your suck a cheerful jackass." Katniss said sarcastically. Peeta smiled that smile. "Your welcome, my love! Now, what are those two red figures coming towards us now?" We all looked were Peeta was pointing. "What the hell?" I said. There was a man belly flopping forward towards us. A woman was walking in circles behind him.

"BEETEE AND WIRESS!" Johanna said, getting up. "I WAS LOOKING FOR THERE CRAZY ASSES!"

"Dick Lock, dick lock, dick lock, dick lock." Wiress chanted. Finnick scrunched his face up. Beetee started break-dancing.

"Oh, why cant we move on to Mockingjay? This story is moving slow as fuck." I whined. **A/N: Shut it, Humpty :c**

**I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND HUMPTY GAWSH! Anyway, I will update some more today. And yes, this story is moving slow as fuck, so Ill speed it up a little. PLease Review! Hope yall enjoyed motherfuckers XD!  
**


	20. Cool Whip and Ham Shoes

**You know, Johanna's description on the Hunger Games wiki is WAY diffrent from my view of her. She has brown eyes, not green, her hair is short and spikey, and she loses all her hair in Mockingjay. FUCK THAT. My description of Johanna is that she has SOFT SPRING GREEN EYES(not matching her deadly attitude) MEDIUM DARK BROWN HAIR THAT REACHES HER UPPER BACK, her hair is thin and soft, and she WILL NOT, I REPEAT, WILL NOT, LOSE HER HAIR. FUCK THAT. Now, this compared to HUMPTY'S APPEARANCE: He has JET BLACK hair, not long, not low cut, kinda like Peeta's. Teal/turqoise/aqua blue eyes. They are insanley bootiful! Not tall, not short, just medium. Fit. Cute. Adorable. Cuddly and all that is good. But he is also deadly at times, like Johanna, and will randomley pull out a illegal, nuclear, awesome weapons thatl make you cry for mama. He is a party animal(like johanna) and will often do the most fatal, epic, bold, brave things, just like the loyal border collie. I just described HUMPHANNA!**

"BEETEE SIT!" Finnick ordered, pushing him down. We had took Beetee and Wiress in, rebuilt our shelter on the beach, and being extra alert because it was getting down to the nitty-gritty in the games. I had kept my promise so far. I had kept Peeta alive. Well, fuck that. I felt like a tribute was gonna pop out the bushes and kill us all. "GOD DAMMIT THESE CLAMS ARE SALTY." Johanna growled, sticking another clam meat in her mouth.

"Here, sweets, try dis." Humpty offered, holding up a nice,steamy topped hot dog. All our mouths drooled. "W-where'd you get that? We ate all our food from Walmart already." I smacked. Humpty hid the hot dog protectivley. "NU! FUCK OFF. THIS IS FOR MY JOHANNA." Humpty growled. Johanna blinked, and if you looked real closely, you could see some warmth in her eyes. Eh? Johanna had been either ignoring or avoiding Humpty these past few days, and she seemed real pissed when he would sniff her shoulders or something dog-like. She didnt show passion or kindness to him until I saw that look in her eyes. She frowned again, and sat back. "GIMMEH DAT HOT DOGEH!" Peeta snarled, lunging at Humpty. "GAHH!" Humpty yelped. I couldnt help it, I wanted that hot dog with deep passion, fuck everybody else, BITCHES GOTTA EAT!

"RAWWWRRRR!" I hissed, lunging at Humpty. Johanna grinned in amusement. Finnick bit Humpty's leg. "OW, DAMN YOU FINNICK! LEMME GO! HELP!" Humpty said. Beetee and Wiress were to busy making some machine. "AHHHGG! NUUUU! FUCK...OFF!" He howled lurching forward towards Johanna.

I took his shoe and started chewing on it. Mm. Ham flavored. Peeta sniffed the shoe and took it out my hands with his now canine teeth. "Hey, PEETA GIMME THAT BACK!" I said, shoiving him to the ground and taking the delicous shoe. "MURR!" Peeta whimpered, his big blue puppy eyes staring sadly at me. AW. I shook my head and came back to my senses. "Here." I sigh, handing it to him, but he refused. "NUU! YOU EAT IT!"He said, pushing it back in my hands. "You need it more." He sigh. HE MADE ME GO THROUGH ALL THAT...*sigh*. I took it without question, because honestly I wanted that shoe very much. My eyes strayed towards him. Murr, he gave up his only meal for me, probably costing him his fucking life. But nu, I was giving my life up for his, cause, come on people, MY LIFE IS WORTH SHIT.

And I was confused. Fucking confused. But Peeta deserved to enjoy life, not me, who had already caused hundreds of deaths.

Humpty handed Johanna the still perfect hot dog. Humpty was starving, too. Well, he was better fed than any of us, I think he had found some eatable creature in the jungle. "It's my last...but you eat it. Its nice and fatty, and you WILL get out of here alive, whether Im dead or not." He declared. Johanna's usual scowling face expression turned into a confused, sad face. "Humpty...FUCK WHY MUST YOU BE SO MANIPULATING!" She hissed, taking the hot dog from his hands. He smiled that smile, then turned to me, Peeta and Finnick.

"FOR SHAME! Acting like wild animals for no reason!Only I can do that! DID YOU EAT MY SHOE?! Ugh! Really people, you would think we were on Animal Planet! I was on an Animal Planet commercial once. Blew dat shit. I love Animal Planet. Oh wow look, its suddenly nighttime, You've spent half of your planning time fighting over a damn shoe. Gawsh, I THOUGHT WE WERE inTHIS SHIT TOGETHER!" Humpty rebuked, waving his index finger at us. I admit, I did feel like shit after his scolding. Peeta looked down, shameful. Finnick just shrugged and went to gather some more clams and sea food. "You two go on watch, Ill keep an eye on Beetee and Wiress." Johanna said, yawning. Beetee held up his machine. "Made. Whip. Cream. Torpedo. Humpty." Beetee said, waving his whip cream torpedo at Humpty. Oh yea, Beetee was the reason Humpty was here now. He teached him how to talk, then turned him human. Smart Beetee.

"EPIC! Can it shoot other stuff?" Humpty gaped. Beetee nodded. "The choice is yours, young'un." Beetee said. Humpty reached for the torpedo, but Beetee recoiled it quickly. "Patience, young jedi. With power comes responcibility. Can you manage that, young jedi?" Beetee said in his Obi-one-Kanobi voice. Humpty got on his knees. "Yes, master, I can manage it. I will not fail you." Humpty breathed. Beetee nodded and lended Humpty the torpedo. "Fuck yus." Humpty snickered, aiming it at Finnicks ass. "I wouldnt do that, jedi." Beetee warned. But, of course, Humpty does anything, wrong or right, stupid or smart. He turned the switch to 'Cheese torpedo' and pressed on the trigger.

_KABLOWSKI!_

"YEEE THE FUCK HAWWW!" Humpty cheered. An explosion of melted cheese went shooting at Finnick's ass. "GAWWWWW! MY ASS!" Finnick cried, falling down in the water. "AHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA BITCH!" Johanna laughed. Peeta smirked. "Lemme see that, Humpty." He giggled. "Dont. He'll destory the world." I warned Humpty. Humpty shrugged. "And Ill destroy the universe. Here ya go, bud." Humpty said, handing Peeta the torpedo. He turned the switch to 'Whip Cream Torpedo" and pointed it upwards to the sky. "Fire away then, hoe." I said, pressing the trigger for him.

_LE MOSKIWBOW BOOM POP!_

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I cheered as a Explosion of whip cream shot straight into the sky, out the arena.

_Back at Gale's house..._

"This is fucking madness. WHEN IS PEETA GONNA DIE GOD DAMMIT!" Gale hissed, popcorn and hot wings in his hands. Madge, who was at Gale's house watching the games, sigh. "Gale, you said you were done with Katniss. Lets have sex." She whined. Gale shoved a chicken wing in her mouth. "Hush up, womun. YOU DIDNT EVEN BRING THE FLAVORED CONDOMS, YOU WOMAN." Gale snapped. Madge held up some flavored condoms. "Im horny. Rape me. NOW." Madge hissed. "OR ILL ORDER MY FATHER TO FUCKING BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN." Gale scrunched his face up. "_Madge!_ Manners, please, our viewers dont want to know of our sexual lives. There are some non-horny readers out there, you know." Gale scolded. Madge slapped Gale. "I DOUBT THAT, YOU CUNT! IF THAT WERE TRUE, THEN THERE WOULDNT BE FANFICTIONS ABOUT HAYMITCH AND PEETA HAVING SEX! NOW THAT NEEDS MANNERS, GALE HAWTHORNE!" Madge shouted. Gale thought about this. "Fine, just let me find my glasses." Madge's face turned red. "YOU DONT NEED GLASSES TO FUCK, GALE!" She snapped. Gale made a sophisticated chuckle. "Dear Madge, I must see what Im doing to pleasure thy body." He said in an Shakesphere voice. "I KILL YOU!" Madge threatened in her physco jamacian voice. She unseathed her pocket knife. Gale blew a bubble from his pipe and straightened his bifociles. "Dear Madge, please calm thy tits and hand me a Pepsi." Gale said in the same voice. Madge pulled out a pistol from her underwear. "Motherfucker, you'd better rape me right now or Ill shoot the fucking testicles off your balls." Madge growled. (SORRY IM MAKING MADGE SUCH A UNDERCOVER SLUT! THATS JUST HOW I SEE HER!) Gale gasped. "MADGE! YOU JUST CROSSED THE FUCKING LINE!" Madge raised her gun. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a waterfall of whip cream buried Magde in its creaminess. Madge screamed and was enveloped in the whipcream. Gale blinked. He looked at the Tv. "Mellark, you've might have just saved my shitty life." He put a respectful hand on his head. "PEETA MELLARK, I SALUTE YOU!"

***Pant* Ill update more...*pant* maybe today...*pant* or whatever...fuck Im tired! But typing comes with a cost! REVIEW PLEASE! YOU ENJOYED IT, I HOPE!**


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